When my most serious relationship ended I was elated. It felt good to be free and just be on my own
I never realized just how much i needed that break
For my own peace of mind and self preservation and don’t get me wrong, the brother wasn’t terrible. He just wasn’t for me as i have always stated
When in a relationship with the wrong person, you have no idea on how to love one another and meet each other’s needs. You will always fall short and hurt each other
I wanted to be out so bad i never thought about how that felt like and for months i was okay until one morning i felt a nudging from the Holy Spirit to pray for him and i was like, why on earth should i pray for him?
Then i will know you have forgiven.. This is what i kept hearing and for a moment i didn’t want to deal with it so shelved it for awhile. Little did I know that God was dealing with my heart and the open heart surgery was just beginning
The thing about God is He is a healer and a restorer and He does not let it go for the betterment of our lives so yes i had to deal with it and one thing He kept reminding me was Its okay to admit that i had been hurt. It was okay to ask for help.. It was okay to say what i felt and He was there to walk through it all with me
I thought this was a sign of weakness. How do you admit that you are hurting when you think you are okay?
In my mind i thought i was strong and that was what i projected.. A woman of strength.. How could i know be the one breaking down? For too long i was in denial😂😂
It had to take a loving Father who understood exactly how i felt. A Father who had been with me every single step of the way since birth and before birth and knew just how much pain i was in though in my mind i thought i was fine. I was literally willing myself to be fine
But i wasn’t
I was so numb to pain i didn’t know what it meant to cry anymore
And then i got asked on a date by a wonderful gentleman and i had to be honest with him and told him “If i said yes to right now, i will make your life miserable”.. That’s when it dawned on me i was far from okay and i couldn’t let anyone get hurt because of pride and stubbornness so i ran back to my Father
Then The Potter began to take down the walls one by one and boy wasn’t that painful?
I had been rejected for not being physically attractive and i believed it and carried that weight with me
I was rejected for not being smart enough and i believed it and just stopped being me and every article i wrote then was lifeless
I was a secret girlfriend who the world never knew about and i accepted it and thought it was normal so i lived life trying to tell the world who i was.
Here was a broken brother who met a broken sister who did not understand her self worth and value and slowly settled for less for she believed that was all she was worth
And Now God was breaking, resetting and restoring and re-defining and the first on the list was forgiveness. You can’t be whole without forgiveness and then i had to let go of the reigns and let Him be in charge. I realized i can’t direct my life. As a first born being in charge is second nature so i had to let Him take charge and trust Him with the process
People hurt us and we hurt others but we are all important in the eyes of God and He has an interest in each and every one of us. But it takes a process to understand this and so we make mistakes but they should never define us.. Instead, God should define and the story of our lives. Only He gets to have the final say
He constantly takes me back to His Word. His truth that reinforces and continually confirms His definition of me and who I am and i found my self growing in love on whole new level
Psalm139:13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
I think what gets me is when i read that God knit me in my mother’s womb.. This is so much work but God took His time and put me together and created someone special, beautiful, formidable and all the wonderful words you can possibly think of to describe you and guess what? He did the same to even those who hurt us and still has a grand plan for them. So pray for them that they would be healed of every brokenness and pain and be better persons.
We have been created for good works and not carry grudges in our hearts which make us bitter and hateful rather we have been called to love one another
It does not matter what the world throws your way,
Cause you see, God knows you.. Every little detail about you is not lost on Him and He created you perfectly just the way you are and no one should ever make you feel any less
We all have our insecurities but run to Him with them and He will show you how to appreciate your flaws and He will even use a random stranger to compliment you on that day you feel low. I know i have, and i have days i laugh at my flaws and i appreciate them and there are times i am not so sure but God reminds me of what’s important.. Fix my eyes on Him.
Moral of the story? I can write about this now for i allowed God to prune, mold, take me through the fire and mend every broken part of me and the greatest victory for me was learning just how forgiveness is so liberating and today, should another brother walk into my life, i will not walk on egg shells or try to prove myself or make him work sooo hard to earn my love or punish him for someone else’s wrong..
Freely i have received, freely will i give from a well that has been refreshed and keeps getting restored for better
achiengsheila 