Am I living a lie?

The word of God is for teaching, edifying and rebuking and recently while at fellowship I found myself being rebuked for living a lie…

For the first time in my life, I broke a rule and bought an item on credit.. With one conviction, people owe me. Once they pay, I will sort it out.. Was this wisdom or foolishness? Right now I am not so sure since times are unpredictable right now 
I have always purposed to live within my means. Save up until I can afford something or forego the item or work out a payment plan especially when I was employed. 
But early on in the year I made a purchase that led me to borrow money from family and was left with a balance I knew I would pay back when I made money from business .. I am reminded of a proverb that taught us to never count our chicks until they are hatched.. I was planning with people’s money which was mistake number one
I saw an item, I loved and picked it up.. Did I need it? Yes, but did I have the resources ready for it? No.. But I was given an option of paying in installments.. But I made the first installment then failed to make the second one and here is what I am learning so far
1.I should have said “No” -plain and simple, no matter how exciting it looked and sounded.. God would have made another way at another time 
2.Never bank on money that is not in the bank even if I am on salary I am assured of today.. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?
3.A full proof payment plan is good but if you are not disciplined it can fail terribly ..things will always demand for your attention but it’s important to prioritize 
4. It was not a matter of life and death situation so could have waited..    5.I could possibly be delaying my blessings by not paying my debt and here is why.. 
Have I been getting cash? “Yes” but according to me, in small installments so still waiting for lumpsum to clear the debt but I realize just how selfish that is.. I am putting my needs above somebody else’s who really needs the money hence the reason why they sold the item..so I shouldn’t make excuses 
The lumpsum may not come now but I can clear with the much I have one day at a time 

6.Once I am done paying , learn my lesson and stick to the rule.. 
7.Never borrow money unless a life depends on it.. Other things can wait and that is why we save and have many investment options that help us achieve our goals.
8. I will still live even if I don’t get the item.. If it were an emergency God would have made a way.I need to trust Him in all situations as opposed to taking matters into my hands
The Bible reminds me to owe no one nothing except for love.. Romans 13:8 “Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.”
Saying No is a better option than living in debt and sometimes you probably don’t need the item.. Its just greed speaking up..
Well I needed the item but the timing was wrongFriendships have died as a result and it starts with when you think your needs are more important than the other person’s and you expect God to bless you when someone is going hungry and you owe them?And the pressure is also unnecessary 
    9. And I can’t echo this enough but live within your means and I guarantee you that your life will be way better and far much more peaceful and with a disciplined saving culture, you can achieve your goals one day, a month, a year at a time.  

10.I will also touch on another common mistake we make that is improper.. Never borrow money to lend and never feel pressurized to give when you don’t have.. You are not the Savior of the world.. God has never failed to provide and He won’t start now

You can give in so many ways that does not involve money and time is one of themAnd this does not mean that when you have you hold back.. Give wisely
Have a monthly allowance that goes towards giving and before giving, ask God to show you who and where to lend a helping hand financially.. Now If I contributed towards everything, I wouldn’t have any savings so appropriate wisely by always asking God for direction. 

WHEN LIFE TAKES SHAPE

I wanted it all.. And i kept chasing it all. The thrill was exhilarating…
And then i found myself in sales where it is believed you can literally write your cheque.. Its upon you to decide how much you want to earn at the end of the month.

Every morning i woke up and put my best foot forward even with my laid back nature i was willing to sell to as many people as much as possible and it wasn’t easy and i wasn’t the best… Yes i won some and lost a many some but i kept pushing on non-stop.

Every conversation at this point in time was selling and i wasn’t sure if i truly had meaningful relationships or i was just nesting until i could hit the gold mine😂😂😂
This was the life.. Monday to sunday looking for prospects and at some point it got tiring but the pressure was real.. I had to make it or i would need to have an answer as to why i didn’t have a sale😥

But now i realize its all vanity, i was all about self. Right now i don’t even know why i wanted the things I wanted. I needed so desperately to prove a point to the world that I had it.. That i had made it, i wanted to own a house people would come and be amazed at, then they would know just how successful i was. With everything prim and neat.. What lie. What a deception.

Your employer’s main agenda is to give you targets and sell this brilliant idea of how your achievement can earn you so much. So you keep pushing but its never enough but you keep at it then you slowly begin to lose you. Q

What does it profit you to gain all this riches and literally have no one to share it with? The friends you have are business acquaintances.. And you have become a stranger to your family?

I walked away to follow God’s voice. And His calling on my life and soon i began to realize that the very things i needed can never be bought with money. Money gets you fake friends who love until its all gone. Money can’t give you peace, money can’t buy you love… But God? He gives you a sense of Purpose and direction. He gives you the real meaning of living

I walked away to discover what it is that gives me purpose and as i journeyed in prayer i realized i have wealthy hands.. We all do actually..

I love to create recipes and menu’s and i love the look of satisfaction on my clients faces after service. But then i also discovered i love training people how to cook and i began asking God how much more can i do? And i realized people want to start businesses but are afraid or need an upgrade in their kitchen or a new skill set and i will be honest. The thank you’s i receive is worth so much more than any amount of money anyone could pay😀

This year i found what gives me peace and joy and its derived from the looks i get from the people i have been called to help. Nothing i have is mine to keep. No gift, no talent is mine to keep. When I share my culinary skills with others i find joy.

Recently I got an invitation to go on a mission to equip people in the catering business and I packed my bags so fast and off i went and this is what gives meaning to life for me. Knowing that someone somewhere is flourishing because i offered a helping hand.
They may forget me. May never pay me but my Father in heaven is happy i made a difference

Someone can learn a thing or two from you, teach it. Show them how you so it. We are mostly driven by money but how about giving back by sharing your skills with someone today who may not be able to afford the college fees but has a desire to learn and start something?

This is how we slowly begin to eradicate poverty and raise hard working citizens who then are able to provide for their families

The Symphony of God

TIMES AND SEASONS PT 2

I have had the privilege and pleasure of working in some great organizations providing solutions to the community and world at large and i have come to this reality. They all began with a dream and a vision and a plan.

A child does not get born and starts walking immediately. No, they go through the process of growing. Learning speech, walking and it has it’s difficult moments when they get frustrated but they can’t force nor rush the process.

Every inventor saw a need around them and sought to find a solution and to date we are enjoying many inventions that were birthed through determination, resilience and hard work and God in His Sovereignty gave them the wisdom to create and make the world a better place.

And they were ordinary men and women just like you and me

Did they have the resources? Some did but others went at it a day at a time

What need is around you? What do you see happen around you that makes you want to see change?
What class has God been taking you through? Have you been taking notes? Or just passing through? I never paid attention to God’s class till early this year when everything suddenly started making sense.. Every where I ever stepped had a purpose and that was God’s university and when the time was up, I had to leave. He made sure of it

What drives you? What gives meaning to your life?

In the grand scheme of things, God is the director, the composer and the arranger of the wonderful music of humanity. He is the creator of the song and reserves the rights to how its played

Did i know i would be in business in 2020? No, in fact i would still be in employment. Fear of the unknown made me stay loyal until God said it was time.

Has it been easy? No
Are there moments i freak out? I think every day
Are there bad days? Yes but i call them learning days
Have i made mistakes? One too many but then i get better and perfect my art
Have i ever disappointed clients? Yes I have and learnt from the mistakes
Is it rewarding? I can’t even begin to describe the feeling 😊
Would i still make the same decision? At the time two years ago i didn’t know what to expect so i would probably still hold on to comfort but God….. He amazes me every day

I have had a good life and i have faced my fair share of tragic moments, lost loved ones, ended relationships, lost jobs, left some, dropped friendships, formed new ones and after all this i begin to realize i am not my own although I have freedom to be but it would be better if i consulted The One Who truly knows me. The one Who knitted me in my mother’s womb. He knew about me way before my parents ever met and He had and still has a great plan for me but I drifted away.. I thought i knew better

I wanted to be a millionaire and own a home on riverside drive or parklands.. I have a thing for old houses and specifically Indian houses as there designs were well thought through and they are spacious.. I need me a huge kitchen and an outdoor space where I can create recipes and host.

Now, ain’t nothing wrong with wanting all these but my motives were so wrong. They were for self gratification and glory and had nothing to do with what God wanted although i convinced myself i was after pleasing Him..

I have worked for enough companies, earned all sorts of salaries with the least being Ksh 5,000 and my then boss still thought that was so much and i had enough job descriptions but that was part of my process and i am grateful for the class

God is not in the business of raising fooling millionaires. He works with people who are humble and understand the meaning of servant hood and i had a lot of learning to do so i never lose my head….

I have always loved food and creating recipes but I have never given it much attention instead i gave so much of me to other employers and some never really appreciated the work I put in but that is how the system of the world works..

You will never be good enough and you will toil as though your life depends on it and then walk away with a salary that dwindles within the first week of the month. So you go back for that paycheck as your life literally depends on it not realizing the enslavement and bondage that the thought of you losing your job almost feels like breath has been taken away from you.

Yes some will always be in employment but its not the space for everyone.. Yet again, you should never let anyone take advantage of you and treat you like you don’t matter. Truth is you matter and that’s why they keep you

When I work anywhere, i commit and i am very loyal and the only way I have been able to get out of any form of employment has been as a result of God making me so uncomfortable but employers know how to keep us hooked. Company benefits and sometimes after working so hard, you spend your hard earned money on medical bills for your body is in pain.

I am not where i am today because I am the most skilled or the most trained.. God has had a hand in every achievement i have.. And yes every day, there is a lesson and a class i go through. With Him i am able to do what i love and i get to rest than I have ever rested.. He is not a slave driver and knows exactly what i need way before i ask so as long as i arise and open shop, He sends clients my way

Now, i totally and completely enjoy what I do and look forward to a brand new dawn every day with its thrills, challenges and the amazing people i get to serve

But how did i get here? You may ask ?
I had to ask. And every day i ask and every day I get a new idea
Every day i learn how best to offer services
I learn what it means to be a professional
I learn to focus on what’s important. Pleasing God and satisfying the needs of my clients
And serving my community to the best of my ability

Since God is the Master, He has a plan for my good so when i ask, He leads and directs and doors are opened that should be opened cause you see some doors should never open.

With Him every note synchronizes and fits perfectly and ultimately a beautiful symphony is released.. One that is full of life. Acceptance comes for i am who God has called me to be so i find great joy and delight in my everyday living

Times and Seasons

TIMES and SEASONS
Psalms 121 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2 My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

When I handed in my letter of resignation at my former place of employment, I looked and sounded ridiculous and at the same time it felt like I had this grand plan for my life until my boss asked me why I was resigning and I couldn’t lie. I had planned on telling him how I was going to pursue a career in catering to sound like I had things in control but I found myself blurting out my real reason and he thought I was crazy.
I was pursuing God’s call on my life.

Life in Ministry

The office was beginning to compete with it and I was getting weary trying to balance the two and the office was demanding too much of my time and i just couldn’t give it that. Truth is, it was Time to move and get ready for the new Season

When i look back now, i think God was making me uncomfortable so i could get out and it turned out to be the best decision I could ever make
It was time and God wasn’t relenting and I had to walk in obedience. My faith was being activated. I didn’t know what tomorrow held. At the time I just knew I was going to Marsabit(A town in northern Kenya) for a mission and then everything else would follow suit
While in Marsabit I could sense my heavenly Father was proud.. Something was unlocked and I was filled with joy. I mention Marsabit for it was the beginning of a completely new chapter and season where Sheila was no longer in charge. God was.

After the mission I didn’t know what next but a girl’s got bills to pay so I needed to know how and I asked God for direction and I trusted Him to present opportunities for me and food was the only way I knew how..I had always just done catering but God was opening my eyes to a whole new world of possibilities.
The ideas were many but at the time they sounded difficult and i had no idea how to start but I noted them down and forgot about them for awhile.

A foundation was birthed in the process and business began to take shape but I was still groping in the dark, not sure of which direction to take and I went back to the God. .

Culinary Arts club was birthed and it sustained me for the better part of the year 2019 until things went silent at some point and I knew deep down God was trying to get my attention.

I write about this for it is important to be in tandem with God lest you miss out on where you are meant to be or meant to go

You see I was missing something and I needed a nudge in the right direction.

One of my primary personality traits is a laid back attitude and can be very comfortable but I needed to move.
There is an urgency with every assignment God has given us and its upon us to keep seeking Him and asking for direction and finding out where He is at work that we may at all times, do the will of The Father but I was sleeping and I needed a reawakening.

He was still not done birthing ideas in me. The bigger picture was taking shape but i had to pay attention so He made provision and sent me away on yet another mission which was a learning experience for me. I had been to other mission fields but I mention this for like Marsabit ,Korr was another learning curve for me.. I have never fallen in love with a people like these ones to the point I was willing to learn a new language. You can’t serve a people you are not willing to know more about and their culture. The Assignment is never about you

As a missionary you can never and should never operate in one way everywhere you go. The only constant is the word of God.. Delivery methods vary and different cultures and communities relate differently so the approach can’t be same

One needs to be flexible and be ready to adjust and adapt to different environments God places you in. Different people react differently. Sometimes it can be language barrier, sometimes, its dressing, sometimes our actions do the talking, sometimes its a taboo as a woman to speak unless spoken to..So yes, there is a need to learn about diversity if we are to be relevant and operate with what is presented to us if we are to be effective

Who would have thought Covid was coming two months later and we would all be on lockdown? With no movements? This is the time you begin to realize, you need God more than ever if you are going to make it out alive. And just like that, we were shut in like the time of Noah

Its been a learning season but I am forever grateful for. If i had never resigned when I did, i wouldn’t be ready for what God was about to do.

I talk about missions and food for they are both connected. And i didn’t realize just how much until recently

Before Covid i didn’t know i could make food deliveries.
Before Covid supplying kitchenware was just a thought and not a reality
Kitchen decor was a distant idea that I played in my head
I didn’t know i could actually create recipes for baby food and the list goes on and on

But I discovered all these when i sought The Lord. My creator. He knows my strengths and what I am capable of doing so when i called, He answered

Before Covid I knew my foundation existed but I didn’t Know how food and it were connected until God showed me how.What do you have in your hands? Use it to impact and shape lives

It is also during Covid that my faith has been tested and I have become a better person, a better giver and still learning daily and I have also learnt to hold on to what’s important, Family, the few friends i have and above all, My relationship with God

In Him I truly do have my being, I can move and really live. In Him I have a clear defined purpose that is not focused on me.

In Him my gifts are coming alive and The Foundation is solid. I realize now more than ever, I can’t separate my gifts from my purpose.. My gift is what fuels my purpose and it gives me so much pleasure and joy. I can’t give what i don’t have and know.. Story for another day😊

In God I have become more secure as a woman and fulfilled
In Him I have learnt to celebrate others
I have learnt to appreciate everyone. I am learning to treat people and see them the way God sees them. Precious and loved

In God I have learnt the true meaning of living
in Him I have made peace with the fact that Nothing is mine for keeping but for giving and sharing with others as I live for the One who called me. The One who created me

Every answer you are looking for right now, God has the way . Only He can show you the times and seasons so you don’t waste time where you are not meant to be and also start that business or idea that’s playing in your head

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Jeremiah 33:3
Psalm 34:4-6

Its okay to say you are hurting – But also give yourself a time line 😊

When my most serious relationship ended I was elated. It felt good to be free and just be on my own
I never realized just how much i needed that break
For my own peace of mind and self preservation and don’t get me wrong, the brother wasn’t terrible. He just wasn’t for me as i have always stated
When in a relationship with the wrong person, you have no idea on how to love one another and meet each other’s needs. You will always fall short and hurt each other

I wanted to be out so bad i never thought about how that felt like and for months i was okay until one morning i felt a nudging from the Holy Spirit to pray for him and i was like, why on earth should i pray for him?
Then i will know you have forgiven.. This is what i kept hearing and for a moment i didn’t want to deal with it so shelved it for awhile. Little did I know that God was dealing with my heart and the open heart surgery was just beginning

The thing about God is He is a healer and a restorer and He does not let it go for the betterment of our lives so yes i had to deal with it and one thing He kept reminding me was Its okay to admit that i had been hurt. It was okay to ask for help.. It was okay to say what i felt and He was there to walk through it all with me

I thought this was a sign of weakness. How do you admit that you are hurting when you think you are okay?
In my mind i thought i was strong and that was what i projected.. A woman of strength.. How could i know be the one breaking down? For too long i was in denial😂😂

It had to take a loving Father who understood exactly how i felt. A Father who had been with me every single step of the way since birth and before birth and knew just how much pain i was in though in my mind i thought i was fine. I was literally willing myself to be fine

But i wasn’t
I was so numb to pain i didn’t know what it meant to cry anymore
And then i got asked on a date by a wonderful gentleman and i had to be honest with him and told him “If i said yes to right now, i will make your life miserable”.. That’s when it dawned on me i was far from okay and i couldn’t let anyone get hurt because of pride and stubbornness so i ran back to my Father

Then The Potter began to take down the walls one by one and boy wasn’t that painful?
I had been rejected for not being physically attractive and i believed it and carried that weight with me
I was rejected for not being smart enough and i believed it and just stopped being me and every article i wrote then was lifeless
I was a secret girlfriend who the world never knew about and i accepted it and thought it was normal so i lived life trying to tell the world who i was.

Here was a broken brother who met a broken sister who did not understand her self worth and value and slowly settled for less for she believed that was all she was worth

And Now God was breaking, resetting and restoring and re-defining and the first on the list was forgiveness. You can’t be whole without forgiveness and then i had to let go of the reigns and let Him be in charge. I realized i can’t direct my life. As a first born being in charge is second nature so i had to let Him take charge and trust Him with the process

People hurt us and we hurt others but we are all important in the eyes of God and He has an interest in each and every one of us. But it takes a process to understand this and so we make mistakes but they should never define us.. Instead, God should define and the story of our lives. Only He gets to have the final say

He constantly takes me back to His Word. His truth that reinforces and continually confirms His definition of me and who I am and i found my self growing in love on whole new level

Psalm139:13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

I think what gets me is when i read that God knit me in my mother’s womb.. This is so much work but God took His time and put me together and created someone special, beautiful, formidable and all the wonderful words you can possibly think of to describe you and guess what? He did the same to even those who hurt us and still has a grand plan for them. So pray for them that they would be healed of every brokenness and pain and be better persons.
We have been created for good works and not carry grudges in our hearts which make us bitter and hateful rather we have been called to love one another

It does not matter what the world throws your way,
Cause you see, God knows you.. Every little detail about you is not lost on Him and He created you perfectly just the way you are and no one should ever make you feel any less
We all have our insecurities but run to Him with them and He will show you how to appreciate your flaws and He will even use a random stranger to compliment you on that day you feel low. I know i have, and i have days i laugh at my flaws and i appreciate them and there are times i am not so sure but God reminds me of what’s important.. Fix my eyes on Him.

Moral of the story? I can write about this now for i allowed God to prune, mold, take me through the fire and mend every broken part of me and the greatest victory for me was learning just how forgiveness is so liberating and today, should another brother walk into my life, i will not walk on egg shells or try to prove myself or make him work sooo hard to earn my love or punish him for someone else’s wrong..
Freely i have received, freely will i give from a well that has been refreshed and keeps getting restored for better

Jars of Clay-Brokenness Part 3

2 Corinthians 4:7, KJV: “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, NLT: “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.

Depending on whose hands we fall in, we either grow to be better persons in our society or slowly die and lose ourselves to the schemes of the enemy. The enemy’s desire is to kill and destroy destinies- John 10:10, ESV: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

One of the ways he uses to bring destruction and confusion is by causing and inflicting pain and hurt and then we find ourselves in a constant state where we doubt the love of God and begin to question His existence when in reality He is very real and has this grand plan for His children.

In my last article I mentioned that broken people evolve in various ways. There are those we have tackled who are broken, wounded, scarred and aware and live their lives in a way that sometimes borders on fear but are careful to watch out for others well-being.

We then have the other group that either believes that they deserve every bad thing that happens to them and live in a cycle where there is constant abuse and real fear and find it hard to walk away which is a also very psychological for some abused people tend to think and believe that only they understand their abusers and genuinely want to help them not realizing the damage happening to self and usually thus is as a result of having been brought up in an abusive environment..

We then have the group that in a bid to protect themselves turn on others and inflict pain on them, just the way they experienced it and worse. This people want to have control over their lives so that no one ever hurts them again so they will be in countless relationships and even sleep around with different partners and claim that they are so disconnected emotionally and feel nothing but they too are in need of care and love and we should never find ourselves in a place where we judge them but rather try to understand where they are coming from and seek to help them.

All these people need love
Yes they have been through terrible circumstances, yes they have made terrible choices been crushed and broken as a result and lost all hope; but this is not the end. This is not how their story should end.

And as I finish I would like to encourage all of us with these few words…

We all are Jars of clay, weak and fragile and easily fall apart and break but in the hands of God, we are strong. We were created by Him, so who best to run to? God understands our frame and knows everything about us. Psalm 103:14 “For He [a]knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.”

So why Jars?
In ancient times, jars were used for storing sacred scrolls or valuable documents which were rolled up and placed inside a jar of clay and then hidden for safe keeping.. We are temporary beings here on earth and God wants us to house Him in us

When we invite Jesus in our hearts, He literally becomes our strength and when in us, His light shines through us and it illuminates every dark places in our soul and restores us from our state of brokenness and makes us whole and then the world gets to see His glory through us and receives this light. In essence, the person of The Holy Spirit we welcome in our lives, gives us Significance

What if I told you that Jesus loves you and that He came just for you?

What if I told you He wants to live in you? Walk with you and guide you in all you do?

What if I told you, He wants to be your friend? And that He wants to guard and protect your heart? And take away all of your pain? Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

What if I told you that the creator of the universe has an amazing assignment for you that He trust you will achieve if you only you would allow Him to have a partnership you

What if I told you, it doesn’t matter what you have done and where you have been? John 8:1-11 and this is just one of the many instances Christ forgave people the world felt were such terrible sinners

What if I told you that He wants to give you a clean slate so you can start afresh and lead a meaningful life devoid of hopelessness and fear?

What if I told you, in His eyes, you are not your past and he does not use it to define you? But wants to give you a new definition and rewrite the story of your life?

What if I told you He wants to heal your soul? And you can trust Him? And find safety in Him?

Beloved, this is the story of many people. Of brokenness, and feeling helpless, hopeless, constant fear and lost.

But there is a love so deep you could never resist and I want you to experience it too. A love that takes away sin and restores. A love that uses broken vessels for His glory.. The love of Jesus Christ.

Scarred and Aware-Brokenness Part 2

Psalm 147:3
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Out of fear of being hurt again, a broken person who has been severely wounded may never trust anyone else and should they allow someone close, they are often too alert and sensitive to signs of deception. And this is just the one side of the story as wounded and scarred persons evolve in different ways which we will tackle as we go along

The scarred and aware broken persons senses are so heightened and they can tell when people are not who they purport or claim to be although sometimes, they may be wrong in their judgment but the fear of pain numbs them and makes them prefer being alone. They are no longer gullible or naive and have mastered the art of being elusive and slippery and can be in a room and not be felt. They create their own world with their thoughts and are just fine as they are.. This is their safe space

They can be in a group, seeming involved but lost in their own world. A part of their lives is usually well hidden no one will ever know about. Maybe when they tried to be real they were looked down upon or mocked so they learned to not share anything about themselves.

Since they have overcome painful situations, they know how to deal with disappointment and you will never see it written on their faces but they will run way before you detect it and next you know, communication was disconnected and they are a distant memory.

Such persons can be genuinely loved but they will always be suspicious

1. They know they are not good enough so why would anyone bother with them

2. In a dating setting, they will never understand why anyone would even take notice of them. Any compliment will be weighed and they will always assume the worst “What could this person possibly want from me?”

3. They have put up walls around them and disconnected from their emotions, so they will never share any personal details lest they come across as needy or give you ammunition to use against them.

4. They fear rejection so chances are, they will never really commit (everything that was done to them are the very things they are most likely to do to other people if they are still wounded )

A broken person aware of the condition of their heart will never commit to any relationship and will say no when asked.
They will love at a distance lest they are no longer needed
Because they have a strong desire for love, they love hard and make very loyal friends. They know the pain of rejection and being used so they tend to be very careful about how they treat others

Does it mean all is lost for such a soul? No!
Love is the key. Authenticity is key and patience is Necessary and the results? A loyal friend or partner and a committed person in the long run who may just be what you need when going through your own struggles and above all, God who is able to heal is of every hurt, pain and trauma.

God is able to restore us and give a peace that surpasses all human understanding. God Who is able to to fill us with a love so deep. A God who embraces us and draws us close and wipes every tear away and jealously guards us. He is The Ultimate Key to our damaged souls for only He can restore and make us whole again

When Two Broken People Meet

He had been raised up by an abusive mother , and vowed to never marry a lady like the mother he now hated and wanted nothing to do with… But then he meets the girl of his dreams but she has strong personality which is a threat to him but since he enjoys this girls company, he slowly by slowly begins to make her need him. She has a hunger and a thirst she feels he can fill.. A yearning and longing for love and acceptance … He discovers she is looking for approval and affirmation of which he gives but later once he has her fully in his life, he begins to undermine her. Makes her feel worthless, ugly and stupid. She begins to walk on egg shells around him to the point that when he calls, she better pick up her phone for why is it a mobile? Even if she goes to the toilet, she better pick up or she will be given a childlike lecture on the usage of a mobile phone – soon she is convinced that if this man whom she loves very much has rejected her, who will even love or bother with her, so she stays with him not realizing she is slowly dying emotionally. To cope with such a person, you can’t be alive to your emotions and rational

She had been raised by an abusive father who knew no better. A case of another broken man in her life but that’s a story for another day.. Anyway, she vowed that no man would ever hurt her again or make her feel useless but she was drawn to this man’s cool demeanour and soon they formed a bond that to her was everything she ever wanted.. A friend she could share her life with but he was hesitating yet everything seemed so right. She was ready to settle down but he was not ready to commit but had a very heavy presence in her life and she thought, “maybe if i give him more time he will commit but it never happened .. Maybe both of them never saw it, but the abuse begun in undertones she never thought much about until later. Maybe she was too desperate for love she never saw the signs
He would compliment other women in her presence making her feel ugly. He would belittle her publicly, make her feel stupid with no brain and slowly her voice was becoming quieter and quieter as her self-esteem dropped. Silence seemed to be better than speaking her mind lest she was told she was not wise enough.. She begun to second guess herself. When he needed a friend, she was there for him but was often alone when she needed him. She loved him and would go out of her way for him but deep down she knew he never loved her and worse yet, Never wanted to be seen publicly with her so she had to settle for whatever he offered

When you are broken you don’t know what normal is. You don’t know what it means to love and be loved and because of how you feel, you live your life putting other people down. Manipulating them to come to a level where you can have control over them.

When you meet someone who has it all together, you find it hard to cope with them but if they are to be in your life, you begin to tear them apart.. You mock them, make them feel terrible about themselves ,make them second guess who they are, make them dependent on you and soon they start seeking your approval and it makes you feel good to have this hold on them. You undermine their worth and intimidate them into thinking they are not good enough.
In most cases broken people attract other broken people who gravitate towards them seeking for something they are in dire need of, Love, affirmation, validation, acceptance and most times they are not aware of it but abusers can spot their victims from a distance and they use charm to win them over..

When victims don’t seem to match up to their abusers standards and demands, the one thing they love to be done for is taken away and for them to get it back, they have to take full responsibility for any shortcomings or try to meet demands and expectations of their abusers.

Victims apologize over crimes they have not committed to be in their abusers good graces which empowers them the more.
Abusers further go on to humiliate, belittle and remind their victims how they are stupid and worthless and soon victims begin to believe in this lie as gospel truth. By this time they have been isolated from other meaningful relationships in their lives for their world is consumed by their abusers

Emotional abuse goes unnoticed under the radar and it happens even to the most intelligent of persons.. People we trusted, turn out to be our worst enemies when they seek to take away our power and will. When we meet them at first, they never show up with signs of abuse on the foreheads

At first they will appreciate you and once friendship has developed, they begin to tear you apart and half the time, you think it’s your fault. That maybe if you had not spoken or done anything, then maybe they would have appreciated your efforts. Slowly you lose your self esteem, sense of worth and before you know it, you are a slave to their expectations but its never enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

If you are in a relationship where you are constantly put down, then you need to run away. Abusers are broken people who know no better and are not aware that they are broken while victims, in most cases never realize the emptiness on the inside which leads them to look for someone to fill the gap only to fall in the wrong hands and end up worse off.

I know it won’t be easy because you think the world of this person but they don’t love you. They just enjoy having power over you.. They feel like they lost control at some point growing up, so they are trying to regain it by controlling you so you never hurt them the way their parents or someone dear hurt them. Your job is not to think but follow. Never question but accept whatever is thrown your way

They will make you feel unattractive, so you will find yourself desiring to hear them say that you are. Then you will stay by convincing yourself that if they never notice you, then who will?
So you stick around for you don’t think you are good enough. Of someone makes you feel this way run for your life

If you are constantly over apologizing after every disagreement then you are not safe. It means your opinion do not matter and what you feel does not matter to them so run
If they never want to be seen in public with you. Drop them for they are probably ashamed of you and will only make you wish to change something about you to get approval which never comes

Only God can restore such a broken person. In the place of fear, God desires to fill with a love so strong that has the power to take away the pain and hurt so pray for them but also know when to walk away before you turn into them. Bitter and scarred and then do the same thing again on someone else.

Just like clay is in the hands of the potter, allow God to mold and mend your brokenness and restore you for He is the Master and He knows everything about you.

Modern Day Slavery

 

SLAVERY STILL EXISTS AND ITS SICKENING

I recently was struck by how we practice modern day slavery in subtle tones and at the time i may have probably sounded insane but the truth of the matter is we do and chances are, we have blinded ourselves to the realities around us so i took to some research and the more I dig, the more i realize just how much I have been ignorant..but truth is sometimes we know the truth but we ignore it

I am in the catering business and when I started out, things were difficult and hard which is normal for any start up.. I didn’t know what to expect and I was desperate for money so i agreed to the most minimum wage if i had to, After people bargained so much. Well most just wanted me to offer free services and when they paid, they always had something to complain about to make me feel i did nothing good and was not worth any pay..

I would offer my services to other caterers in the industry to learn a thing or two from them and also make some money which I needed but the cash was not much And as i went about helping mostly by Chopping onions and garlic which were the jobs i could get, i worked really hard giving of my best

Fifteen years ago, the 500 i would often make after assisting at a catering event, would afford me bus fare for a week but i soon got tired of it and stopped offering my catering services. Back then i never understood what i understand now..
Just because i am not seated behind an office desk does not make me any less important and does not mean that what i do is less important .. It only means that our definition of office is different but we are both meeting a necessary need and offering solutions to our peers and the world in general. In my heart, i believe no job is more superior than the other cause truth is, we all need each other

I have often heard women complain about their house helps and nannies about everything and anything but i am yet to hear any one confess that they played a role in frustrating their help.. And No.. I am not trying to say that all helps are angels.. But i have been to houses where helps have been treating without respect. They are shouted at, given a million directives as though they have twenty hands, served very little food if any at all and overworked because after all, they are being paid.. Right? And we feel like we are doing them a favor by paying them between 5000-7000 shillings per month and because we feel they are beneath us, we treat them however we want because they are not as important. Then when they leave trying to look for greener pastures and better pay and treatment, we demonize them.. I beg to ask .. “Is every help really that bad?”.. When our bosses don’t appreciate our hard work we throw tantrums that they don’t appreciate us but do we remember to thank our helps after they have done something good? Ooh, wait, we claim that if we tell them well done, they will get comfortable.. Will it really kill you to appreciate them?
I think half the time we treat them this way because they have no choice.

But i also salute and celebrate the other group of people who have gone the extra mile to make their helps part of their families.. And in this instances.. Most helps have stayed in same homes for many years.
I salute those who have gone the extra mile to educate their nannies children and the nannies as well.. These one’s deserve a standing ovation and No, they don’t earn crazy salaries as i have come to discover, they just choose to give back to society and their way of doing so is by starting in their household with the understanding that just because one is a house help it does not mean that their children’s story should be same

And what of watchmen? The average watchman is paid between 7000-10,000 and we even dare fail to pay them sometimes or look for excuses to not pay them after we have demanded so much of them.
But when we want to impress our friends, we spend 10k in a blink of an eye just to win their fake approval

What of Casual laborers at construction sites or industries? What of cleaners? Laundry women? Why do we always want to pay them the bare minimum? Why do we have such a desire to have people below us? Because if we wanted to see change in their lives, wouldn’t we want to see them grow from one level to another? Sadly one of the most painful observations i have made is their are people who actually enjoy seeing others suffer, makes them feel good about themselves or just knowing that they are way ahead, makes them proud of themselves which is rather selfish, wicked and twisted

So what is my point in all this?
One definition i found of slavery says
“Slavery is a condition of having to work very hard without proper remuneration or appreciation“.

Further on, Wikipedia goes on to describe it thus; slavery reduces its victims to a nonhuman state

We look at them as objects to be used and not people who deserve dignity and respect.

My reality has always been, i need all these people to make it.. I need that bus driver, i need that watchman, i need that help, i need that tailor, that cobbler, that newspaper man, that hairstylist.. Ooh, the guy who roasts maize and how about Mama mboga and that young man at the market who helps me carry vegetables each time i shop? We all need each other and the sooner we realize that and start treating people with decency.. Only then, will we truly say that slavery is over but until then, we have a a lot of learning to do
How about i treat them with respect and learn a thing or two from each other?

My lesson through my experience made me vow to never pay any one money that would just be enough for their bus fare home and a packet of 1kg flour and sukuma wiki.. No, i will pay them something that at the end of the day, they can afford decent housing and afford to provide for their families and in all this, i believe if we weren’t so threatened about positions in society, all of us, together would be uplifting one family at a time and rewriting their stories and their children’s if only we saw them as humans worthy

 

When God sets you up

I finally understand that my life is not my own and this is after trying to be in control in vain.

I have done things in my wisdom but right now when I look back, I see God’s hand every step of the way. Leading and guiding and now, woven into a beautiful tapestry. A Masterpiece by the Creator Himself God Almighty

From the time I was born I have always loved to be alone with my books and music and this has led to me having a home library and a music collection for all seasons. In all this quietness I never entertained nonsense and knew how to defend myself..

In school, I loved sports. I was what you would describe as an active girl. And I am talented in quite a number of things so I was in athletics, hockey ,handball, swimming and I was singing in our church choir by the time I was 14 and my creative mind was running wild with me writing poems for friends and hosting my friends over the weekend. I am the kind of person who meets people separately then ultimately bring them together so tea was always at my parents house with my mother serving us tea while we chatted away. (i learned hospitality from my mother and she never discriminated against anyone). Growing up conversations were on the latest music, soap opera.. the Alejandro era when we dreamt of one day our prince charming coming to sweep us off our feet into the sunset and live happily ever after.. Those were the innocent days when relationships really mattered and this is my background and even then, God was writing my story but I didn’t know it then.. as far as I knew, life was for living and having fun while at it and fun i did have to the fullest with the amazing friends God placed in my life. 

I grew up in a quiet town I really dream of going back to sometimes but circumstances would see me come to the city to finish my studies and as fate would have it, what I thought was a short stint, turned out to be a long stay and here we are today..Although at some point I almost moved town to be with my unwell mother whom I loved very much and was willing to give up everything to take care of but God saw it fit to call her home and even then I saw the hand of God. He allowed us as a family to say our goodbyes though painful, her journey on earth was over and it was time for her babies to find their way in life and so after a few weeks I was back in the city with my sister trying to figure out life.. I thank God for my aunt Alice Ochieng who housed us for quite awhile. 

“Growing pains”…..

At this point in my life I got to work at a driving school as a manager and  don’t ask me why I never learnt how to drive then but I always thought I had all the time in the world never realizing I was to pick lessons there then move on and after almost two years I was laid off work. I was relieved but was worried about what next but God had a plan and two weeks later I was working again as a personal assistant to Nayah Ndefru Kathurima.. I mention her for God used her to teach me so much in business. She taught me so muchb on administration and office management while handling finances as well.. In this, God was teaching me stewardship but I didn’t know this.

By this time I had started living alone but with my sister which was a great blessing and a story for another day but as life would turn out, we closed shop and yes I got other administrative job opportunities but nothing was working then I got to work at a bakery which was such a blessing cause I love being in the kitchen any day but this too was shortlived but it was a necessary class .. 

The biggest class out of my comfort zone happened when a friend – Abby Mungai invited me to sell insurance. I literally cringed at the thought and openly told there was no way I could sell insurance and then she said”You know there is nothing easy in life” And she was right but i still struggled with the idea. I always had a negative attitude towards insurance and sales was not my strongest suit but yeah, i ended up selling insurance for almost five years and enjoyed it much to my surprise. But seasons change and the big shift was coming and I knew it was time to do what God had placed me to do here on earth. This by far was the hardest decision to make but it was either that or be miserable and i wasn’t ready to be another Jonah so i resigned and the peace i felt after was beyond anything i had imagined.. Then, now i needed to trust God.. Really Trust Him and it proved to be so hard but i finally started letting go of “CONTROL”

Recently everything has started to make sense…

I am running a catering business i never thought i could be successful in but it required patience i never had once upon.. Nothing good comes easy, it takes time for development, maturity and understanding of why you are doing what you do.. Yes you get the monetary reward but the lool of satisfaction on clients faces keeps me going.. And who would have ever thought that I would train people culinary skills? But here we are.. Achie’s Pot Culinary Arts club growing but not for what i had intended.. Its to empower other individuals to be who God called them to be

So you see, God had a plan all along and He was preparing me for my Purpose. 

I know what it means to have and not to have. I know what it means to have a meal per day. I know what it means to have your house locked up; I know what it means to grieve. I know what it means to lack and still be able to share what I have with someone in need . I know what it means to be broken and lost and hurt. In my journey God has placed people who have pushed me to be better at what I do, and there have been those who have made me feel useless which still God has used to shape me into the person He wants me to be.. I have been humiliated, mocked, looked down upon, rejected, used and discarded when I wasn’t needed anymore.

And I remember when it all started.. A Lady i look up to Namulunda Simiyu got me away for prayer and fasting and as we prayed, she would ask me what The Lord was saying.. And as i shared, she would go like.. “Write that down” she offered the tough love i needed during this period of birthing until i disappeared running away from the call but God pulled me back and here we are..

 In all this God was preparing me for now. The people I am meeting. Broken, wounded ,lost, hurting, blind and hopeless and I have found myself being able to relate with them and all this ultimately led to the birth of a Foundation-Haven Of Refuge and God is using every gift and talent to empower others and now, I have the courage to knock on doors to ask for help unashamed. I can fund raise to run a cause, something I would have never done years ago but I had to go through class. God’s class to learn how to manage funds, never look down on anyone, in the process filling me with such a deep love or His people. The people He has called me to serve with dignity for whether they live in the slums or streets or the leafy suburbs, they are all Gods children and He loves them all very much so would you join our cause at Haven of Refuge and make a difference in someone’s life.. You can educate, empower someone with skills to be able to stand on their feet. You can buy books for children in marginalized communities.

As I sign off I want you to know that your life matters and God has a purpose for you and everything you are going through is preparing you for your assignment. 

https://www.havenofrefugefoundation.com/