Jars of Clay-Brokenness Part 3

2 Corinthians 4:7, KJV: “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7, NLT: “We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.

Depending on whose hands we fall in, we either grow to be better persons in our society or slowly die and lose ourselves to the schemes of the enemy. The enemy’s desire is to kill and destroy destinies- John 10:10, ESV: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

One of the ways he uses to bring destruction and confusion is by causing and inflicting pain and hurt and then we find ourselves in a constant state where we doubt the love of God and begin to question His existence when in reality He is very real and has this grand plan for His children.

In my last article I mentioned that broken people evolve in various ways. There are those we have tackled who are broken, wounded, scarred and aware and live their lives in a way that sometimes borders on fear but are careful to watch out for others well-being.

We then have the other group that either believes that they deserve every bad thing that happens to them and live in a cycle where there is constant abuse and real fear and find it hard to walk away which is a also very psychological for some abused people tend to think and believe that only they understand their abusers and genuinely want to help them not realizing the damage happening to self and usually thus is as a result of having been brought up in an abusive environment..

We then have the group that in a bid to protect themselves turn on others and inflict pain on them, just the way they experienced it and worse. This people want to have control over their lives so that no one ever hurts them again so they will be in countless relationships and even sleep around with different partners and claim that they are so disconnected emotionally and feel nothing but they too are in need of care and love and we should never find ourselves in a place where we judge them but rather try to understand where they are coming from and seek to help them.

All these people need love
Yes they have been through terrible circumstances, yes they have made terrible choices been crushed and broken as a result and lost all hope; but this is not the end. This is not how their story should end.

And as I finish I would like to encourage all of us with these few words…

We all are Jars of clay, weak and fragile and easily fall apart and break but in the hands of God, we are strong. We were created by Him, so who best to run to? God understands our frame and knows everything about us. Psalm 103:14 “For He [a]knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.”

So why Jars?
In ancient times, jars were used for storing sacred scrolls or valuable documents which were rolled up and placed inside a jar of clay and then hidden for safe keeping.. We are temporary beings here on earth and God wants us to house Him in us

When we invite Jesus in our hearts, He literally becomes our strength and when in us, His light shines through us and it illuminates every dark places in our soul and restores us from our state of brokenness and makes us whole and then the world gets to see His glory through us and receives this light. In essence, the person of The Holy Spirit we welcome in our lives, gives us Significance

What if I told you that Jesus loves you and that He came just for you?

What if I told you He wants to live in you? Walk with you and guide you in all you do?

What if I told you, He wants to be your friend? And that He wants to guard and protect your heart? And take away all of your pain? Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

What if I told you that the creator of the universe has an amazing assignment for you that He trust you will achieve if you only you would allow Him to have a partnership you

What if I told you, it doesn’t matter what you have done and where you have been? John 8:1-11 and this is just one of the many instances Christ forgave people the world felt were such terrible sinners

What if I told you that He wants to give you a clean slate so you can start afresh and lead a meaningful life devoid of hopelessness and fear?

What if I told you, in His eyes, you are not your past and he does not use it to define you? But wants to give you a new definition and rewrite the story of your life?

What if I told you He wants to heal your soul? And you can trust Him? And find safety in Him?

Beloved, this is the story of many people. Of brokenness, and feeling helpless, hopeless, constant fear and lost.

But there is a love so deep you could never resist and I want you to experience it too. A love that takes away sin and restores. A love that uses broken vessels for His glory.. The love of Jesus Christ.

Scarred and Aware-Brokenness Part 2

Psalm 147:3
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Out of fear of being hurt again, a broken person who has been severely wounded may never trust anyone else and should they allow someone close, they are often too alert and sensitive to signs of deception. And this is just the one side of the story as wounded and scarred persons evolve in different ways which we will tackle as we go along

The scarred and aware broken persons senses are so heightened and they can tell when people are not who they purport or claim to be although sometimes, they may be wrong in their judgment but the fear of pain numbs them and makes them prefer being alone. They are no longer gullible or naive and have mastered the art of being elusive and slippery and can be in a room and not be felt. They create their own world with their thoughts and are just fine as they are.. This is their safe space

They can be in a group, seeming involved but lost in their own world. A part of their lives is usually well hidden no one will ever know about. Maybe when they tried to be real they were looked down upon or mocked so they learned to not share anything about themselves.

Since they have overcome painful situations, they know how to deal with disappointment and you will never see it written on their faces but they will run way before you detect it and next you know, communication was disconnected and they are a distant memory.

Such persons can be genuinely loved but they will always be suspicious

1. They know they are not good enough so why would anyone bother with them

2. In a dating setting, they will never understand why anyone would even take notice of them. Any compliment will be weighed and they will always assume the worst “What could this person possibly want from me?”

3. They have put up walls around them and disconnected from their emotions, so they will never share any personal details lest they come across as needy or give you ammunition to use against them.

4. They fear rejection so chances are, they will never really commit (everything that was done to them are the very things they are most likely to do to other people if they are still wounded )

A broken person aware of the condition of their heart will never commit to any relationship and will say no when asked.
They will love at a distance lest they are no longer needed
Because they have a strong desire for love, they love hard and make very loyal friends. They know the pain of rejection and being used so they tend to be very careful about how they treat others

Does it mean all is lost for such a soul? No!
Love is the key. Authenticity is key and patience is Necessary and the results? A loyal friend or partner and a committed person in the long run who may just be what you need when going through your own struggles and above all, God who is able to heal is of every hurt, pain and trauma.

God is able to restore us and give a peace that surpasses all human understanding. God Who is able to to fill us with a love so deep. A God who embraces us and draws us close and wipes every tear away and jealously guards us. He is The Ultimate Key to our damaged souls for only He can restore and make us whole again

When Two Broken People Meet

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He had been raised up by an abusive mother , and vowed to never marry a lady like the mother he now hated and wanted nothing to do with… But then he meets the girl of his dreams but she has strong personality which is a threat to him but since he enjoys this girls company, he slowly by slowly begins to make her need him. She has a hunger and a thirst she feels he can fill.. A yearning and longing for love and acceptance … He discovers she is looking for approval and affirmation of which he gives but later once he has her fully in his life, he begins to undermine her. Makes her feel worthless, ugly and stupid. She begins to walk on egg shells around him to the point that when he calls, she better pick up her phone for why is it a mobile? Even if she goes to the toilet, she better pick up or she will be given a childlike lecture on the usage of a mobile phone – soon she is convinced that if this man whom she loves very much has rejected her, who will even love or bother with her, so she stays with him not realizing she is slowly dying emotionally. To cope with such a person, you can’t be alive to your emotions and rational

She had been raised by an abusive father who knew no better. A case of another broken man in her life but that’s a story for another day.. Anyway, she vowed that no man would ever hurt her again or make her feel useless but she was drawn to this man’s cool demeanour and soon they formed a bond that to her was everything she ever wanted.. A friend she could share her life with but he was hesitating yet everything seemed so right. She was ready to settle down but he was not ready to commit but had a very heavy presence in her life and she thought, “maybe if i give him more time he will commit but it never happened .. Maybe both of them never saw it, but the abuse begun in undertones she never thought much about until later. Maybe she was too desperate for love she never saw the signs
He would compliment other women in her presence making her feel ugly. He would belittle her publicly, make her feel stupid with no brain and slowly her voice was becoming quieter and quieter as her self-esteem dropped. Silence seemed to be better than speaking her mind lest she was told she was not wise enough.. She begun to second guess herself. When he needed a friend, she was there for him but was often alone when she needed him. She loved him and would go out of her way for him but deep down she knew he never loved her and worse yet, Never wanted to be seen publicly with her so she had to settle for whatever he offered

When you are broken you don’t know what normal is. You don’t know what it means to love and be loved and because of how you feel, you live your life putting other people down. Manipulating them to come to a level where you can have control over them.

When you meet someone who has it all together, you find it hard to cope with them but if they are to be in your life, you begin to tear them apart.. You mock them, make them feel terrible about themselves ,make them second guess who they are, make them dependent on you and soon they start seeking your approval and it makes you feel good to have this hold on them. You undermine their worth and intimidate them into thinking they are not good enough.
In most cases broken people attract other broken people who gravitate towards them seeking for something they are in dire need of, Love, affirmation, validation, acceptance and most times they are not aware of it but abusers can spot their victims from a distance and they use charm to win them over..

When victims don’t seem to match up to their abusers standards and demands, the one thing they love to be done for is taken away and for them to get it back, they have to take full responsibility for any shortcomings or try to meet demands and expectations of their abusers.

Victims apologize over crimes they have not committed to be in their abusers good graces which empowers them the more.
Abusers further go on to humiliate, belittle and remind their victims how they are stupid and worthless and soon victims begin to believe in this lie as gospel truth. By this time they have been isolated from other meaningful relationships in their lives for their world is consumed by their abusers

Emotional abuse goes unnoticed under the radar and it happens even to the most intelligent of persons.. People we trusted, turn out to be our worst enemies when they seek to take away our power and will. When we meet them at first, they never show up with signs of abuse on the foreheads

At first they will appreciate you and once friendship has developed, they begin to tear you apart and half the time, you think it’s your fault. That maybe if you had not spoken or done anything, then maybe they would have appreciated your efforts. Slowly you lose your self esteem, sense of worth and before you know it, you are a slave to their expectations but its never enough. Nothing you do will ever be enough.

If you are in a relationship where you are constantly put down, then you need to run away. Abusers are broken people who know no better and are not aware that they are broken while victims, in most cases never realize the emptiness on the inside which leads them to look for someone to fill the gap only to fall in the wrong hands and end up worse off.

I know it won’t be easy because you think the world of this person but they don’t love you. They just enjoy having power over you.. They feel like they lost control at some point growing up, so they are trying to regain it by controlling you so you never hurt them the way their parents or someone dear hurt them. Your job is not to think but follow. Never question but accept whatever is thrown your way

They will make you feel unattractive, so you will find yourself desiring to hear them say that you are. Then you will stay by convincing yourself that if they never notice you, then who will?
So you stick around for you don’t think you are good enough. Of someone makes you feel this way run for your life

If you are constantly over apologizing after every disagreement then you are not safe. It means your opinion do not matter and what you feel does not matter to them so run
If they never want to be seen in public with you. Drop them for they are probably ashamed of you and will only make you wish to change something about you to get approval which never comes

Only God can restore such a broken person. In the place of fear, God desires to fill with a love so strong that has the power to take away the pain and hurt so pray for them but also know when to walk away before you turn into them. Bitter and scarred and then do the same thing again on someone else.

Just like clay is in the hands of the potter, allow God to mold and mend your brokenness and restore you for He is the Master and He knows everything about you.

Modern Day Slavery

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SLAVERY STILL EXISTS AND ITS SICKENING

I recently was struck by how we practice modern day slavery in subtle tones and at the time i may have probably sounded insane but the truth of the matter is we do and chances are, we have blinded ourselves to the realities around us so i took to some research and the more I dig, the more i realize just how much I have been ignorant..but truth is sometimes we know the truth but we ignore it

I am in the catering business and when I started out, things were difficult and hard which is normal for any start up.. I didn’t know what to expect and I was desperate for money so i agreed to the most minimum wage if i had to, After people bargained so much. Well most just wanted me to offer free services and when they paid, they always had something to complain about to make me feel i did nothing good and was not worth any pay..

I would offer my services to other caterers in the industry to learn a thing or two from them and also make some money which I needed but the cash was not much And as i went about helping mostly by Chopping onions and garlic which were the jobs i could get, i worked really hard giving of my best

Fifteen years ago, the 500 i would often make after assisting at a catering event, would afford me bus fare for a week but i soon got tired of it and stopped offering my catering services. Back then i never understood what i understand now..
Just because i am not seated behind an office desk does not make me any less important and does not mean that what i do is less important .. It only means that our definition of office is different but we are both meeting a necessary need and offering solutions to our peers and the world in general. In my heart, i believe no job is more superior than the other cause truth is, we all need each other

I have often heard women complain about their house helps and nannies about everything and anything but i am yet to hear any one confess that they played a role in frustrating their help.. And No.. I am not trying to say that all helps are angels.. But i have been to houses where helps have been treating without respect. They are shouted at, given a million directives as though they have twenty hands, served very little food if any at all and overworked because after all, they are being paid.. Right? And we feel like we are doing them a favor by paying them between 5000-7000 shillings per month and because we feel they are beneath us, we treat them however we want because they are not as important. Then when they leave trying to look for greener pastures and better pay and treatment, we demonize them.. I beg to ask .. “Is every help really that bad?”.. When our bosses don’t appreciate our hard work we throw tantrums that they don’t appreciate us but do we remember to thank our helps after they have done something good? Ooh, wait, we claim that if we tell them well done, they will get comfortable.. Will it really kill you to appreciate them?
I think half the time we treat them this way because they have no choice.

But i also salute and celebrate the other group of people who have gone the extra mile to make their helps part of their families.. And in this instances.. Most helps have stayed in same homes for many years.
I salute those who have gone the extra mile to educate their nannies children and the nannies as well.. These one’s deserve a standing ovation and No, they don’t earn crazy salaries as i have come to discover, they just choose to give back to society and their way of doing so is by starting in their household with the understanding that just because one is a house help it does not mean that their children’s story should be same

And what of watchmen? The average watchman is paid between 7000-10,000 and we even dare fail to pay them sometimes or look for excuses to not pay them after we have demanded so much of them.
But when we want to impress our friends, we spend 10k in a blink of an eye just to win their fake approval

What of Casual laborers at construction sites or industries? What of cleaners? Laundry women? Why do we always want to pay them the bare minimum? Why do we have such a desire to have people below us? Because if we wanted to see change in their lives, wouldn’t we want to see them grow from one level to another? Sadly one of the most painful observations i have made is their are people who actually enjoy seeing others suffer, makes them feel good about themselves or just knowing that they are way ahead, makes them proud of themselves which is rather selfish, wicked and twisted

So what is my point in all this?
One definition i found of slavery says
“Slavery is a condition of having to work very hard without proper remuneration or appreciation“.

Further on, Wikipedia goes on to describe it thus; slavery reduces its victims to a nonhuman state

We look at them as objects to be used and not people who deserve dignity and respect.

My reality has always been, i need all these people to make it.. I need that bus driver, i need that watchman, i need that help, i need that tailor, that cobbler, that newspaper man, that hairstylist.. Ooh, the guy who roasts maize and how about Mama mboga and that young man at the market who helps me carry vegetables each time i shop? We all need each other and the sooner we realize that and start treating people with decency.. Only then, will we truly say that slavery is over but until then, we have a a lot of learning to do
How about i treat them with respect and learn a thing or two from each other?

My lesson through my experience made me vow to never pay any one money that would just be enough for their bus fare home and a packet of 1kg flour and sukuma wiki.. No, i will pay them something that at the end of the day, they can afford decent housing and afford to provide for their families and in all this, i believe if we weren’t so threatened about positions in society, all of us, together would be uplifting one family at a time and rewriting their stories and their children’s if only we saw them as humans worthy

 

When God sets you up

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I finally understand that my life is not my own and this is after trying to be in control in vain.

I have done things in my wisdom but right now when I look back, I see God’s hand every step of the way. Leading and guiding and now, woven into a beautiful tapestry. A Masterpiece by the Creator Himself God Almighty

From the time I was born I have always loved to be alone with my books and music and this has led to me having a home library and a music collection for all seasons. In all this quietness I never entertained nonsense and knew how to defend myself..

In school, I loved sports. I was what you would describe as an active girl. And I am talented in quite a number of things so I was in athletics, hockey ,handball, swimming and I was singing in our church choir by the time I was 14 and my creative mind was running wild with me writing poems for friends and hosting my friends over the weekend. I am the kind of person who meets people separately then ultimately bring them together so tea was always at my parents house with my mother serving us tea while we chatted away. (i learned hospitality from my mother and she never discriminated against anyone). Growing up conversations were on the latest music, soap opera.. the Alejandro era when we dreamt of one day our prince charming coming to sweep us off our feet into the sunset and live happily ever after.. Those were the innocent days when relationships really mattered and this is my background and even then, God was writing my story but I didn’t know it then.. as far as I knew, life was for living and having fun while at it and fun i did have to the fullest with the amazing friends God placed in my life. 

I grew up in a quiet town I really dream of going back to sometimes but circumstances would see me come to the city to finish my studies and as fate would have it, what I thought was a short stint, turned out to be a long stay and here we are today..Although at some point I almost moved town to be with my unwell mother whom I loved very much and was willing to give up everything to take care of but God saw it fit to call her home and even then I saw the hand of God. He allowed us as a family to say our goodbyes though painful, her journey on earth was over and it was time for her babies to find their way in life and so after a few weeks I was back in the city with my sister trying to figure out life.. I thank God for my aunt Alice Ochieng who housed us for quite awhile. 

“Growing pains”…..

At this point in my life I got to work at a driving school as a manager and  don’t ask me why I never learnt how to drive then but I always thought I had all the time in the world never realizing I was to pick lessons there then move on and after almost two years I was laid off work. I was relieved but was worried about what next but God had a plan and two weeks later I was working again as a personal assistant to Nayah Ndefru Kathurima.. I mention her for God used her to teach me so much in business. She taught me so muchb on administration and office management while handling finances as well.. In this, God was teaching me stewardship but I didn’t know this.

By this time I had started living alone but with my sister which was a great blessing and a story for another day but as life would turn out, we closed shop and yes I got other administrative job opportunities but nothing was working then I got to work at a bakery which was such a blessing cause I love being in the kitchen any day but this too was shortlived but it was a necessary class .. 

The biggest class out of my comfort zone happened when a friend – Abby Mungai invited me to sell insurance. I literally cringed at the thought and openly told there was no way I could sell insurance and then she said”You know there is nothing easy in life” And she was right but i still struggled with the idea. I always had a negative attitude towards insurance and sales was not my strongest suit but yeah, i ended up selling insurance for almost five years and enjoyed it much to my surprise. But seasons change and the big shift was coming and I knew it was time to do what God had placed me to do here on earth. This by far was the hardest decision to make but it was either that or be miserable and i wasn’t ready to be another Jonah so i resigned and the peace i felt after was beyond anything i had imagined.. Then, now i needed to trust God.. Really Trust Him and it proved to be so hard but i finally started letting go of “CONTROL”

Recently everything has started to make sense…

I am running a catering business i never thought i could be successful in but it required patience i never had once upon.. Nothing good comes easy, it takes time for development, maturity and understanding of why you are doing what you do.. Yes you get the monetary reward but the lool of satisfaction on clients faces keeps me going.. And who would have ever thought that I would train people culinary skills? But here we are.. Achie’s Pot Culinary Arts club growing but not for what i had intended.. Its to empower other individuals to be who God called them to be

So you see, God had a plan all along and He was preparing me for my Purpose. 

I know what it means to have and not to have. I know what it means to have a meal per day. I know what it means to have your house locked up; I know what it means to grieve. I know what it means to lack and still be able to share what I have with someone in need . I know what it means to be broken and lost and hurt. In my journey God has placed people who have pushed me to be better at what I do, and there have been those who have made me feel useless which still God has used to shape me into the person He wants me to be.. I have been humiliated, mocked, looked down upon, rejected, used and discarded when I wasn’t needed anymore.

And I remember when it all started.. A Lady i look up to Namulunda Simiyu got me away for prayer and fasting and as we prayed, she would ask me what The Lord was saying.. And as i shared, she would go like.. “Write that down” she offered the tough love i needed during this period of birthing until i disappeared running away from the call but God pulled me back and here we are..

 In all this God was preparing me for now. The people I am meeting. Broken, wounded ,lost, hurting, blind and hopeless and I have found myself being able to relate with them and all this ultimately led to the birth of a Foundation-Haven Of Refuge and God is using every gift and talent to empower others and now, I have the courage to knock on doors to ask for help unashamed. I can fund raise to run a cause, something I would have never done years ago but I had to go through class. God’s class to learn how to manage funds, never look down on anyone, in the process filling me with such a deep love or His people. The people He has called me to serve with dignity for whether they live in the slums or streets or the leafy suburbs, they are all Gods children and He loves them all very much so would you join our cause at Haven of Refuge and make a difference in someone’s life.. You can educate, empower someone with skills to be able to stand on their feet. You can buy books for children in marginalized communities.

As I sign off I want you to know that your life matters and God has a purpose for you and everything you are going through is preparing you for your assignment. 

https://www.havenofrefugefoundation.com/

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Quarantined and Thankful

So at the beginning of the year i had this great plans.. Many many plans.. When Covid sounded like a distant problem that was never getting close(This is what happens when you think your neighbors problems are theirs alone never thinking one day it might just get to you) and sadly it was and the reality of it all was frightening and people were dying in the thousands and it was devastating and at this point all i could do was pray.. That the love of Jesus would capture the hearts of men and give them hope…

Jesus is all the hope i have, the peace and love i have that keeps me going and yet someone out there doesn’t have this hope and i wanted so much to say something but i couldn’t bring myself to doing anything and then suddenly everything was falling apart and my country was at a stand still ..
My world as i knew it was crashing so fast…. One day, we are advised to wash our hands and sanitize, Next thing, social distancing, then lockdown and i was like what in the world is going on? My mind was trying to comprehend all this but i came up empty.

Then next, there were rules and people felt they were too much and then they reacted and then there was police brutality in a bid to enforce the new normal and yet this simple kenyan could not fathom going a day without work which was necessary if he/she were to feed their families (there were genuine cases of people caught out past curfew) the injustice caused lives. Families panicked not knowing what would happen next or how they would take care of bills.. Not knowing where their daily bread would come from And me finally coming to terms with the truth in God’s word “that indeed many are the plans in a man’s heart but it is the purpose of The Lord that prevails. Pro 19:21

And i did panic too. Where was i going to get business? How was i going to pay bills? How on earth was i going to make it? By sitting in the house? Not like any thing much had happened since the year began but here i was, jobless and afraid. Yes i kept praying but i was shaken and yes i had so many hibernating moments and didn’t i binge on them series and movies which right now i can’t even remember the storylines but they served as a distraction for a while and books re-read..

Then i had enough friends in need of help and with visitation curtailed prayer was all we had and it has kept us… but sometimes all i wanted to do was hide and then came the million prophecies but a time came when it was all too overwhelming that I shut away from anything on social media and prophecies .. It was simply too much.. All my plans were slowly falling apart.. Oo, i had so much faith that all would work out eventually but really it was more like me grasping for the wind with The Lord telling me to trust Him.. To just let go and trust Him but i held on until reality checked in for real

And here is where I truly turned back to God and as i spent time in prayer, my perspective started changing and now i can boldly say that
2020 has turned out to be my best year yet
And i am okay not being in control anymore.. It was too much work
Now, i don’t even know why i was worried but i am definitely thankful for everything

There is a new melody in my spirit of praise and Thanksgiving and a dance that testifies of the faithfulness of God.. And yeah i am finally at peace
My truths so far?
-God is love and He allows things to happen for a reason which ultimately work out together for our good Rom8:28
Whatever the enemy meant for evil God is using it all for our good and as a result it is redefining history and shifting things all for the glory of God
And Corona will never change God’s attitude towards His people for “Nothing will ever separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Rom8:38-39
-So many of us had enough idols but right now we are worshipping The one true God. Calling upon His name.. The name that is able to save
-No one is demystifying The Bible for us, instead, we are doing so for ourselves and God is revealing Himself to us day by day a
-Our faith and trust and reliance in Him has definitely become stronger
-For most of us, being in the quiet place, have found purpose
-Families have bonded and relationships have been mended
-Most of us have been humbled and for some who have all the money in the world have come to realize even that can’t save you. Only God can.. And only He can calm the storm in the middle of the chaos
-Most of us have come up with new business ideas
And the list goes on and on.. All i do know is life will never be the same again

Growing up with Dad

My dad is the kind of man who laughs more than gets angry and forgives and forgets so fast and  moves on like nothing ever happened…. Traits i think rubbed off on me.. My rationale has always been, staying angry requires so much energy i can’t afford and don’t have the time really plus we are on a race and we can’t waste time… but then again,it takes God to really forgive and move on
Dad can be offended by someone today and by tomorrow its completely forgotten and they are back to talking terms… He is also a giver.. I have never seen him hold back when he has and it is something I have always loved and admired about him from the time we were kids… Neighbors would be given rides into town, he would fight for them where he could,their problem literally became his problem. Strangers slept in our house and the list is endless and this is the man God saw fit for me to call “Baba”.

Weeelll….

I felt protected and loved growing up .. His methods were not conventional since most African men for a long time have had a different definition of love which leans towards providing and protecting their loved ones but I could tell by how he treated us. We were his pride and joy.. And most recently i have had the privilege of him telling us, how much he loves us and that touched my heart so its okay to tell your children you love them. It means the world to them.
But these are attributes I am only coming to appreciate now as I grow older. As a teenager I thought Dad was a bully and really had no care about my feelings
The guy instilled the fear of God on the boys in the area.. No boy would be found looming around lest they meet my father😂😂😂😂… He was Simba(Lion) in the hood
At some point of course i was mad and disappointed.. Which girl doesn’t want a boy asking her out on a date unless of course you are made of wood and your emotions are in another planet.. Truth is, i had no business dating when i was a teenager
But As a young girl i didn’t quite understand but as i grew up it began to dawn on me how necessary that was for my well being..

No, we never had the talk.. In my time that was a conversation you wouldn’t have with your father but i could understand why the protection later on.. My mother did a good job on that part though and became a girl’s dream of a best friend and out of respect we made a choice as children to honor our parents the best we knew how

My father provided for us and i remember even when he didn’t have money, all i needed to do was ask and he would find a way and I thank God for that.. It taught me that as long as i was under my father’s roof, my protection and provision was him and it taught me to never depend on other men for material things and i was never moved by flashy things for my father to the best of his ability showed me all that, took me and my siblings to restaurants and showered us with love how he understood best and was an example to me of which i thank God for

He allowed us to turn our house into a disco.. Better that than have me sneak out to a disco and he would drop me at church for choir practice and within no time, the routine became normal and a way of life i thoroughly enjoyed
My Dad showed me that men too can clean even in marriage and even do laundry and iron since some of us can’t iron to save our lives and cook when Mom was away but here take-out for lunch was a very good route to take😂😂😂…

All in all what i am trying to say is that having a father figure is a blessing and plays a huge role in the life of any child. The lady I am today is as a result of having a Dad around,and yes I was thoroughly beaten..  then I thought I would die but foolishness was beaten out of me and that is love in action and the Bible endorses it.. Proverbs:13.24
He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly.

I know some may not have an earthly Father but i know a Father in heaven who is deeply in love with you and wants nothing more than to be with you, walk with you, talk with you showing you the way. Jehovah is His name. And He has great plans for your life
He I the Father I have come to lean on. The Father who teaches me so much about life in ways no one else can and makes up for all the lost time. He makes the difference…..

Lessons I learnt observing my Mother

Lessons i picked observing My beloved Mother…. On cleanliness, cooking, etiquette, decor.. Etc
There was never a dull moment in our home, if you were raised in the early eighties into nineties you can probably relate..
By the time you got to grade 1,you knew how to make tea and the art was perfected and shortly after you could make just about any meal in the house and this is how my passion for cooking began, i literally had the kitchen to myself then i would create menus for the week and head out to the market and supermarket on a budget.

-Mother had a rule, if you are going to live somewhere for awhile, why not make it homely and beautiful.. Make it your HAVEN.. At the beginning of every year, mom painted the entire house and the kitchen was always white – you can guess who used to keep it clean😂😂.. Children in the house so no playing games Saturdays till you are done.. Keep your home neat so that everyday you look forward to going there to relax

-Buy the best brand whenever purchasing any thing for your house.. Remember, cheap is expensive, my mother would buy 1 cup at a time if she had to till she had the number needed, and yes they lasted for so many years and they were good quality, you don’t want things chipping simply because you lied to yourself that you will buy cheap one’s for starters then buy proper ones later.. Do it now..Get right brands for your electronics, be it in the living room or kitchen, they may cost you but you will never have to buy again… To date, i still own my Mother’s radio player and the speakers are so fresh its unbelievable 28 years later

-I was raised by an African woman who taught me one very important lesson.. Never lack milk in your house.. You never know who will come knocking and no visitor walks away without a cup of tea and a snack.. I know times can be hard but surely we can serve a guest tea or uji (porridge) or water.. Even if its black tea. It is The Lord who supplies

-The toilet can embarrass you if you don’t like cleaning.. You certainly don’t want guests to be greeted by the whiff of a toilet. Invest in detergents that will help maintain freshness at all times

-Family is very important. Invest in them and be intentional about spending time with them.. Don’t wait until its too late for you never know when God calls anyone of us home so be there

-You just need few friends and don’t despise anyone even if they come from a slum and you live in the leafy suburbs.. Mother had friends who led humble lives but they somehow turned out to be the most legit and authentic friends. It taught me to never choose color, race or financial background but to ask God for genuine people around me and so far, so good

-Don’t waste time in gossip, if you have nothing better to say about someone, shut it,.. If you fall out with someone, its between the two of you. The entire world shouldn’t have to fall out with someone simply because you did. You are an individual, operate as such and thank God for the people He brings your way

-Reading is good. So much knowledge can be acquired as a result and its also a great form of entertainment and good for your brain

– Prayer is crucial so pray every day, and anytime you get an   opportunity to do so. Give thanks to God for His goodness and faithfulness even when it seems difficult

-Give, we always have something we can give, our resources or even just our time and space

-Walking is healthy, stay fit

-Junk once in a while won’t kill you as long as taken with moderation

-Enjoy the simple pleasures of life..

-Music is soothing to the soul… There was always music playing in our home, oldies, jazz, classical…. And she definitely influenced my love for music and influenced the music i listen to including hip-hop.. Yeah she was that person… –
I will stop here for now…….

Finding myself, finding Purpose.. Pt2

IMG_20190730_130705New Beginnings

I moved churches after that, I vowed to never serve in church again… I felt exhausted and tired and lost but if you know me that was a joke. I think three months later I had auditioned to join my new church’s worship team but I was still unsettled.

This is the time The Lord began to speak to me about His plan for my life and He began to show me why my relationship had to end and why things would have never worked. In the eyes of God he is still a son and God loves him too and his chapter in my life was over.
His destiny and mine were completely different. His assignment and mine were completely different and we never spoke the same language. Now the Bible is very clear on this
Amos: 3:3
Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?


Together, we would have made each other miserable and slowly it began to sink in and my healing happened.
My break-up was the beginning of self discovery.
Me finding out who I am, what I love, where I wanted to be and most importantly, where God wanted me to be suddenly began to make sense. And that plan was not to be just a wife but to be a woman of purpose, a wife of purpose eventually someday but marriage suddenly was not as important as it was initially. And don’t get me wrong. My understanding of marriage changed
I was thirty years old and to be honest felt like a failure. Where do people begin? When you had taken one direction in life and had settled? I was crushed; I was lost and for a moment I was in limbo but this scar in my heart, was moulding me into a strong woman with so much capacity for God’s people… Then I didn’t know but now, the painting is taking shape, 7 years later… Of trying and failing…Of rising and falling… of making wrong choices… of giving up then starting again. Of letting go of friendships and relationships that were familiar and clinging to the one person who called me out of the miry clay, The One Who said, it doesn’t matter what you have done, where you have been… Yes you may feel you wasted your years but I will use everything for my glory…
Well, their is a God and He is faithful.
And yes, the scars I thought would finish me have become a beautiful tapestry. A beautiful story
God saying, I have a solution to the world and I had to go through the process I went through so I would be able to carry out the vision which is getting clearer now but what I can say is, 17 years ago I knew the vision but I was not paying attention to God’s leading . I was paying attention to the patterns of the world.
Fulfil my own ambitions. Make the millions, live large. And there is nothing wrong with making millions. 

My question now is more like, what is my motivation for wanting the millions?
Will it take away the emptiness I feel sometimes? Will it make me a better person?
But I had to learn surrender, submission, integrity, honesty and trust. In a world where there is so much brokenness, trust is impossible and as a result, trusting God becomes even harder when in reality our very existence is to bring glory to Him by working with Him. Caring for what He cares about and working where He is working and when we trust Him with our lives, He begins the beautiful journey of restoring every broken piece in our hearts.

Here is how,

19 Behold, I am doing a new thing;Isaiah 43:19 English Standard Version (ESV)

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.

God is always doing something new in our lives and this scripture was a great reminder of the same and for this to happen, two scriptures were very instrumental during this time,

1Samuel16:1 The Lord said to Samuel, “How long will you grieve over Saul, since I have rejected him from being king over Israel? Fill your horn with oil, and go. I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons.” 

And , Isaiah 43:18 English Standard Version (ESV)

18 “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.

I needed to make an intentional decision and let go of the past and allow God to do a new thing in my life

How did I discover my purpose?

I found myself selling insurance, I call this my deep water experience where I was being pushed out of my comfort zone shell and getting exposed to a world of marketing and I can say this for sure, I learnt so much during this four year period. I could boldly approach clients and sell insurance products. 

During this period I also discovered that I loved people, I loved talking to people and helping them by providing lasting solutions that were beneficial to them and their families.

My Exit from the world of insurance,

I was suddenly so restless and nothing was working anymore and I could constantly hear a voice telling me that the world awaited my manifestation. At this point, I had also become extremely comfortable and God literally pushed me out by causing the restlessness.

The journey towards discovering purpose

I mentioned earlier that I love people and as such, I love seeing joy and satisfaction on their faces,

I also love serving others. I find pleasure in doing so. 

Finding purpose began with me asking myself what I was passionate about and one of the easiest answers for me was, my love for good food. Once upon a time for me to survive I used to make food and sell to people so as to get pocket money and the reviews had been good. I catered at functions and the reviews were great as well so I figured this was the field I was to pursue but it had to be more than just catering and making great food. Soon as I spent more time in prayer, ideas began to flow and the culinary school idea was born and kitchen consultancy. I remember my first class and the joy on my students face, it was priceless. 

I love making a difference in my community and standing up for something that is greater than me and slowly a foundation was birthed. I can’t share so much on this as it is still in the incubation stage but one word I can describe all this is the joy both bring to me and how effortless it is for me to run both entities.

 So yes, when fulfilling purpose, there is a sense of joy and peace that comes with it that you can’t explain and the best part is that I get to serve others with such an abandon and seeing the joy on their faces, makes it all so worthwhile and makes me feel alive.

Finding myself, Finding Purpose Part1

IMG_20190304_224623Finding your Identity as a person is the beginning of true freedom.

The world and people no longer dictate how things should run…
And I know you could be wondering what this is all about…
I will begin with my number one weakness, I am a people pleaser and for a long time I confused it with desiring to pursue peace with all people but then I found myself in a situation where a decision had to be made and a tough one for that matter…
A relationship had to die but I could not bring my self to end it for I was worried about how the gentleman would take it…I preferred it happening the other way round, at least the healing process would be easy for him but I felt pushed for the first time in my life to take charge and be responsible.. Was it easy? NO!

The Journey

Well, welcome to the ride, my journey on self discovery, self love and ultimately finding purpose.
The Bible speaks of us loving our neighbours as we love ourselves… Now, how can that happen if you don’t love yourself or value you as a person?
How can that be when you let other people walk all over you in the name of pursuing peace with all men?
I come across as a nonchalant kind of person but you see deep down, I hurt and in most cases expressing my frustration has never been easy but this is where my journey began and I have loved it thus far.

Have you ever found yourself at a place where you asked yourself “Surely there’s got to be more to life than just waking up every morning?” I found myself in this place and knew things had to change. I was not born to just exist on this planet then depart.

We had broken up but He came back and apologized and said he wanted us to get back together again and try to work out things. Said he loved me but somehow it never registered in my heart. It felt like a lie to get me back. After all, I was gullible and I had survived years of rejection and got used to it. A bitter pill I had to swallow every morning I woke up that I got used to and convinced myself was normal.
Well that was me a few years ago and so many changes began to happen and how I wished I had discovered this earlier but I don’t regret it for every thing in my journey has been a process I had to go through.
So I would be prepared for where God is sending me.

Tragedy strikes

When I look back, this is where life began to take a different turn. Three months prior I was almost settling for less, settling for status quo..
But then the news comes and every thing within me crushed with it. My baby brother was no more.
I remember planning his funeral and hoping that by some miracle someone would call and tell me that it was a silly joke or that if I dialled his phone, his bubbly self would answer on the other end but that was never to be.
The funeral happened, I was so broken, so exhausted and yet the world expected me to be strong and go on with business as usual. Being a worship leader in my church, I was expected to resume my duties as normal but for the life of me, I just could not bring myself to leading people to worship. God felt a distance away yet I know He carried me through that tough season in my life.

The questions kept haunting me,
Why am I alive? What is the purpose for my existence? What will happen when someday I am called home?
This was the second death in the family and it was more real and more painful second time around but you see life had to go on and step by step we began to pick up the pieces.

Marriage?

Could I be someone’s wife? The thought made me cringe; suddenly my reality was, am I even ready for this? Do I even know who I am? Was I just born to exist on the face of this earth? As I asked these questions, I prayed and asked God for direction.

Yes, I called for a meeting like two months later after my brother’s funeral and I told him, I couldn’t be his girlfriend. I wasn’t ready and deep within I knew he didn’t love me. He needed to be with someone he could really love and value and I was not that person and we both knew it…..